What's The Matter With Kids Today?

I work with kids in my job. I'm often their attorney, their guardian ad litem, or if they're a college student, I've been their teacher. I talk to my friend's kids and I supervise field trips. I time swim meets and supervise ballet dancers. I'm not an expert, but I'm around a lot of kids. When I hear people complain about kids, the first thing I think is that most kids are overall pretty good. Most of the kids I supervise on field trips, or at church, or at swim meets, etc. are decent kids who are pretty much fun to be around. Having said that I do see "trends" when I observe the kids I work with or those with whom I interact. I'm going to break those trends down into five main areas.

1. Entitlement. You hear this word thrown around a lot but when I say it the predominant thing I mean is that kids think they run the show. They seem to be confused when an adult sets the record straight and reminds them they are kids. A few months ago, I spoke at my kids' school and surprised the kids by reminding them or maybe informing them, that as a kid, they don't own property. This was a shazam moment for most of the kids. Of course, my kids have been told repeatedly that the property in our house that they think is their's is actually our's, meaning owned by parents/adults. This means that my kids' property can be taken from them at any moment, without a hearing, a warrant and even without complaint. Likewise, the right to privacy is greatly curtailed when living in my house. Your room, much like Alcatraz, is subject to random and unannounced searches and seizures. If we start with this premise, other things naturally flow from it...such as the fact that you're not getting a smart phone at 13; you're not having a TV or computer or other electronic device in your room; and you're not telling me what you are going to do. You have the right to politely express an opinion which I may consider, but I the parent have the final say about damn near everything: where you go to school; what activities you participate in; when you quit an activity; what I fix for dinner; where we go on vacation and what we do when we get there, etc. etc. While kids are important and a blessing etc., they are not the center of a small universe. They are a part of a family with adult decision-makers. Thus, a sense of entitlement to things, possessions, activities, etc. isn't allowed. Anything above love, food, shelter and clothing is a bonus.

2. Life is Unfair. Yep. Life is unfair people. It is unfair when you are a kid, and it's unfair when you're an adult. Good people get cancer; some even get killed in drunk driver accidents. Bad people often flourish (to wit, politicians, certain athletes who beat their girlfriends, tax cheats, etc). Anytime, my kids trot this expression out, they are reminded that there is no expectation of fairness in life. The nature of humanity means that life will be inherently unfair. The question is not whether it is fair or not, but how you deal with that unfairness and adversity. One of the first times this comes up is when a kid has a teacher he/she doesn't like. You don't have to like your teacher. You are going to have a boss, a teacher, a colleague, a president (hah!), a coach, etc. at some point in life who you don't like and who also may not like you. Your job is to suck it up and deal. As long as the person is not abusive (defined very precisely by me under the law which does not include giving you an earned bad grade, or telling you to suck it up and deal with material you don't like), your job as a student is to figure out how to get through that year or semester. It is not to run to someone and complain and expect change. I am working to build a resilient child who can fight through failure and adversity, not whose life is made comfortable and coddled by me at every step of the way. Being a parent does not mean protecting them from every bad experience but helping them learn how to look at life as glass half full instead of half empty. Perspective is everything in life.

3. Balance. Balance means you need to be able to see both sides of an extreme and aim for the middle. Plato and Aristotle both extolled moderation as a key to obtaining "the good life", a concept later developed and built upon by Cicero. This means you have to be open to hearing both sides of an issue. You have to be in dialogue with people and not take your ball and go home when you disagree with them. Life cannot be lived on either pole. It has to be a balancing act or life will be very hard. This also applies to activities in which you engage. Too much exercise/sports...blow out your knees, damage your body, end up with a concussion; too little exercise and you are a couch potato with unhealthy habits. Our world is so polarized by people who have to have all or nothing type of beliefs that it endangers all of us in the future. Teach your kids that its ok to reach common ground; compromise is not a bad thing, but an essential way for healthy societies, families and couples to function. Try and find those areas of life where there is an overlap...the center of a Venn Diagram, where all the circles intersect. You are doing your kids a disservice if you are narrow minded in either extreme.
Another part of this "balance" idea is that you want to teach them to pursue things that nurture their minds, their bodies, and their spirits...pursuit of anything without consideration of how it impacts the balance of your life is usually a bad thing...the pursuit of money without being balanced again concern for the greater good; the pursuit of a person as an object rather than as a person with thoughts, feelings and their own identity; the pursuit of career goals at the expense of your family...all unhealthy.

4. It's Not About You. There's a song from the musical My Fair Lady that Eliza sings to Professor Higgins whose lyrics talk about the fact that the world goes on and still spins, even without him, meaning Higgins. It's important to remind ourselves and our kids that life is not all about them. They need to see the bigger picture....that life is about what we give, rather than receive; that it's not about what we achieve or do, but that we are all children of God; that it's about love rather than desire; that it's about a sacrifice fly instead of a solo home run. Too much of our world is caught up in what this person wants, at the expense of someone else: I don't want to be married anymore; I don't want to help take care of my parents; I don't want to take a pay cut to stay in my hometown (that's a veiled allusion to you know who...). Duty is a four letter word these days, but there is too little of it. Life is not meant to be easy but it is meant to be beautiful, and sacrifice for others can be a beautiful thing if done out of love, without resentment and given freely. No one said life was easy, right? See No. 2.

5. Know Thyself. Socrates admonished us to know ourselves. I believe he give us this admonition because knowing yourself, your strengths, your weaknesses, your flaws..and knowing that even with all these flaws, you are still loved, is the key to life. It doesn't mean you stay static and not try to improve on those things that can be improved but some of life has to be a gut check on whether or not you can be a concert pianist or professional basketball player. I would argue this applies to our kids as well. Accepting your kids for who they are and not who you want them to be is one of life's greatest challenges, and because we can "fix" things as human beings we feel we should be able to "fix" our kids too. Not everyone is gifted; not everyone is an athlete; not everyone is good in music or can sing; know your own gifts and then be realistic yet hopeful about your kids as well. Not everyone is going to get an A in Algebra. A C is an average grade because....it is average. Average is not a bad word! Even though it has become one! Accept yourself and then your kids for who they are. Some talents are intangible, such as being a truly kind person or maybe your kid has a tremendously generous spirit. Celebrate those things where your kids excel but don't get pissed at your kid, his teacher, etc, when that kid gets a C. Maybe that is the grade they earned...even if they are smart. Sometimes, the smartest kids are also kind of lazy. Guess what? You probably can't fix that! Maybe the biggest part of this is accepting who YOU are, so you can help your kid know who he or she is.

And last, don't try and change the whole world....sometimes you have to change the microcosm you have some smattering of control over. And if you think about the impact one person can have on the lives of others (think about It's a Wonderful Life here), then you really are effecting major change, one person at a time.