Thirteen years ago on Mother’s Day, I got a call from our social worker that we had received a referral for a baby girl from Guangzhou China who was then 10 months old. I will never forget the first time I saw her face when her photo came up in the email the social worker sent me. I can still see her tiny feet, her bushy Brooke Shield’s eyebrows, and her dark, sensitive, soul-filled eyes. That was the day I became a mom. For two months, I carried that photo around because it would not be until July 4th of that year that I got to hold our Lydia in my arms for the first time in an office building in China. This little girl, who lived in an orphanage, who was underfed, underdeveloped, and un-loved, suddenly had a family, and a mama who sang to her, adored her and loved her. That same little girl, who couldn’t even pick up a Cheerio with her fingers at one year of age, went on to dance, sing, draw wonderful pictures, and play the violin. She was joined two years later, by our son Max whom we adopted from Korea. For his adoption, we went to the Chicago O’Hare airport and picked up this stunned, chubby little baby who was in shock after the long plain ride with an escort he didn’t know. Two beautiful children, almost two years apart. Through adoption, our little family was complete. Or so we thought…..
Life took a stunning turn, when, at age 5, Lydia was diagnosed with leukemia. As soon as my beautiful girl was diagnosed, I willingly gave up my law practice to spend every waking moment of her nearly 6 months in hospital by her side. I cut off my hair so she would know it was ok not to have any hair. Through her journey with leukemia, we found her birth family in China, and learned her tragic story of how she came to reside in an orphanage. Lydia was a victim of China’s one child policy. Her parents had two older girls, but they wanted a boy. In the quest for that elusive boy, Lydia was, we found out, one of many victims of abandonment. Somewhere in China, or around the world, are Lydia’s sisters, given up for abandonment by her parents, just as Lydia was on a hot day in July in 2003. Her parents were unwilling even to help their daughter when she had leukemia, refusing to allow their middle daughter to give Lydia much needed life-saving bone marrow. It was then that I came to realize what I guess I had already known. Biology is just genetics. Motherhood is a gift of the spirit. When Lydia’s birthmother told me through a translator that she didn’t love her child, and didn’t care whether she lived or died, I came to realize that Lydia had not been born of my womb, but that she was truly my child, none-the-less. She was a child of my heart.
When Lydia passed away six months later from leukemia, I knew a piece of my heart would always be with her and another piece died with her when she passed away. Two years after Lydia died, we adopted our now six year old Sarah-Grace from Korea, traveling to Korea to get her and allowing Max the opportunity to see his orphanage and to visit with his foster mom. It was an emotional trip for us all.
When I think about abortion, I think about my three children, all of whom were true gifts from God, and I think about the fact that I am so blessed that they were given a chance at life. It seems absurd and wrong to imagine that my children might not be here, had their mothers chosen to have an abortion. What would our lives be like without these magnificent souls? The world would be a darker place without the lives of Lydia, Max, and Sarah-Grace.
When I think about adoption, I think about the fact that we who are pro life have a responsibility to not just talk the talk, but walk the walk. We need to care about the unborn and protect their lives at the most vulnerable stage, but we also have to realize that not every mother who chooses life will also choose adoption. And in that sense, we need to support mothers who choose life by supporting policies that support that decision. We need to be a support to moms at every stage of their child’s life, knowing that for many moms who do choose life, it is going to be a lifelong, uphill battle to keep and raise that child.
In my work as an attorney and guardian ad litem, I represent both parents and children who cross paths with Children’s Services. For many families, the cycle of Children’s Services’ involvement began when the parents themselves were children and were removed from their parent’s care. The support system and passing along of knowledge and wisdom necessary to make them capable parents in many cases, never happened and just isn’t there. We, as a community, need to fill in that gap for these individuals, and instead of condemning or judging them, we need to offer them a helping hand in a non-judgmental way. As Atticus Finch, the heroic lawyer from Harper Lee’s To Kill Mockingbird fame, once observed, you can’t really judge a person unless you’ve walked around in their shoes and have seen life from their perspective.
Programs like WIC, Help Me Grow, and Head Start help these families in many ways, but we need to do MORE. For the women I work with, a car breaking down with no money to fix it, can mean the difference between a certain level of stability and…homelessness. Many of these women live their life as a house of cards…one thing goes wrong, and everything comes crashing down around them. The drug epidemic our cities and towns are facing is a stark reminder that children are always the victims when parents lives go awry. If we want to help children, we have to help their parents.
For most, abortion is a choice borne of desperation. If we want women who are pregnant to choose LIFE, we need to show them there is a way other than desperation. We need to be willing to pay more taxes to support programs for families in these situations, and we need to give generously of our time, talents and treasures and be the face of Christ to those in need.
So in that spirit, I invite each and every one of you to do what you can to assist babies, children, and families at all levels of need…whether it be helping an unwed mother; reaching out to a single mother struggling to make it with her children; supporting policies that provide the necessary support system for moms; fostering children in need, or adopting an orphan from right here or around the world, whatever you can give, every bit of help counts. I will close with this reminder from St. Theresa of Calcutta: WE need to be the answer to someone's prayer.
Sunday, January 22, 2017
Monday, December 26, 2016
Perspective
Perspective.
So much in life depends upon perspective. Perspective is shaped by so many things. Our backgrounds, beliefs, childhood, parents or lack thereof, travel, education, health, religious or spiritual beliefs, economic status, race, ethnicity, gender....all these things shape who we are and how we view the world. One of my favorite quotes from my favorite book "To Kill A Mockingbird" centers around the idea that you can't really judge another person until you've walked in his/her shoes. At the end of the book, Scout observes this as she stands on Boo Radley's porch and thinks about how he saw the neighborhood, her brother Jem, her friend Dill, and herself. Just as poignant, is the observation Atticus makes about the perspectives of both Mayella Ewell and Tom Robinson related to how each saw the other. It's important that Atticus is the one relaying this perspective, there's that word, because as a lawyer, he has to think about every one's perspective on a given issue to really get inside the head of that person and understand what makes that person "tick". It's hard to be an effective advocate if you don't understand "why" someone acted the way he/she did or does. Thus, perspective is an important part of empathy for other people and their life story.
Perspective is also important in shaping our own world view, and dare I say it, our mental and spiritual health. I am reminded of this all the time by my son Max who has a very "glass half full" perspective on his own life, in particular but not limited to, how it all relates to academics. Let's say Max were to get a 12/20 on a quiz. Max's perspective would be that he got more right than he missed. He would be optimistically dismissive of the fact that 12/20 does not lead to a good letter grade, by deciding that it is clear he did better than if, on the flip side, he missed 12 and got 8 right. One is tempted to become frustrated by this perspective, and let's just say that two people in particular, his parents, have succumbed to that temptation. However, upon reflection, one might think about how corrective one should be about that perspective because in some ways, it is rather healthy. It is about approaching life from the Monty Python perspective of "always look on the bright side of life" and it is perhaps a healthy survivalist approach to living. Like all parenting encounters, if one is willing to learn a new perspective, sometimes the padawan can teach the master. Maybe it is healthier to view life as essentially rosy rather than looking for all the deficiencies.
When Lydia was ill and dying, it was tempting to view things from the "woe is us" perspective, and of course, I went there. But I didn't linger there too long because I knew it was a dangerous place to be, and if I could look at things from the right perspective, I could see that life is never "fair" and that illness, and even childhood death, have been with us since the beginning of time. Thinking about all the parents who lost children in the Black Death, or the Spanish Flu epidemic, or Hiroshima, or Syria, provides one "perspective" that one is not being singled out for misery in life. Suffering comes to us all in some form or some manner. It is part of life. Keeping that perspective allows one to stay on the "glass half full" side of the equation.
So, perspective is important in how we view ourselves and how we form empathy, and as a result it is important in helping us get along and navigate this thing called life. I've thought long and hard about the recent election, which to me was a very difficult election that challenged my conscience in a myriad of ways. My perspective, my conscience, and who I voted for was unique to my particular set of experiences and values that didn't have to make sense or find a repository of agreement with anyone else except with me. I think this election cycle was a good lesson in perspective in that not every one's perspective on life or politics is exactly the same, because as noted above, everyone is coming at issues from his/her own personal beliefs, experiences, and life circumstances.
If we are to understand and live with one another, we have to try and grapple with understanding all perspectives and not be dismissive of any set of experiences. I try to surround myself with friends of all races, backgrounds, religious convictions, economic circumstances, and national origins because, in part, I want to understand and be empathetic to what different people feel and think. It's part of developing basic human compassion and as a Christian, I believe it is something I am particularly called to try and experience. If we only view the world through myopic lenses of our particular perspective, we can never truly empathize with the very personal experiences of others, and we become cold, distant, humorless, and heartless.
During this season of Christmas, we are challenged I think to try and bring the love of Christ to others...this means stretching ourselves and refraining from judgment. How we reach out, how we help others, is not by bringing them round to our own perspective, but embracing them with love that respects the unique Christ-like nature, or the inner Buddha, whatever you want to call it, of each person. Christ's disciples were a rather motley crew of fisherman, carpenters, tax collectors, and even prostitutes. Christ's perspective was one of embracing each individual person, right where he or she was. The church I attend has a beautiful statue of Christ's Crucifixion front and center above the altar. At the foot of the cross, are St. John, Mary Mother of God, St. Mary Magdalene, a Jewish priest, and a Roman Centurion...all of whom formed a cross section of first century Roman Judea and yet, they stood together at the foot of the cross.
May you each view the world as glass half full, and may you each reach out to embrace the other as your brother and sister.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
Monica
So much in life depends upon perspective. Perspective is shaped by so many things. Our backgrounds, beliefs, childhood, parents or lack thereof, travel, education, health, religious or spiritual beliefs, economic status, race, ethnicity, gender....all these things shape who we are and how we view the world. One of my favorite quotes from my favorite book "To Kill A Mockingbird" centers around the idea that you can't really judge another person until you've walked in his/her shoes. At the end of the book, Scout observes this as she stands on Boo Radley's porch and thinks about how he saw the neighborhood, her brother Jem, her friend Dill, and herself. Just as poignant, is the observation Atticus makes about the perspectives of both Mayella Ewell and Tom Robinson related to how each saw the other. It's important that Atticus is the one relaying this perspective, there's that word, because as a lawyer, he has to think about every one's perspective on a given issue to really get inside the head of that person and understand what makes that person "tick". It's hard to be an effective advocate if you don't understand "why" someone acted the way he/she did or does. Thus, perspective is an important part of empathy for other people and their life story.
Perspective is also important in shaping our own world view, and dare I say it, our mental and spiritual health. I am reminded of this all the time by my son Max who has a very "glass half full" perspective on his own life, in particular but not limited to, how it all relates to academics. Let's say Max were to get a 12/20 on a quiz. Max's perspective would be that he got more right than he missed. He would be optimistically dismissive of the fact that 12/20 does not lead to a good letter grade, by deciding that it is clear he did better than if, on the flip side, he missed 12 and got 8 right. One is tempted to become frustrated by this perspective, and let's just say that two people in particular, his parents, have succumbed to that temptation. However, upon reflection, one might think about how corrective one should be about that perspective because in some ways, it is rather healthy. It is about approaching life from the Monty Python perspective of "always look on the bright side of life" and it is perhaps a healthy survivalist approach to living. Like all parenting encounters, if one is willing to learn a new perspective, sometimes the padawan can teach the master. Maybe it is healthier to view life as essentially rosy rather than looking for all the deficiencies.
When Lydia was ill and dying, it was tempting to view things from the "woe is us" perspective, and of course, I went there. But I didn't linger there too long because I knew it was a dangerous place to be, and if I could look at things from the right perspective, I could see that life is never "fair" and that illness, and even childhood death, have been with us since the beginning of time. Thinking about all the parents who lost children in the Black Death, or the Spanish Flu epidemic, or Hiroshima, or Syria, provides one "perspective" that one is not being singled out for misery in life. Suffering comes to us all in some form or some manner. It is part of life. Keeping that perspective allows one to stay on the "glass half full" side of the equation.
So, perspective is important in how we view ourselves and how we form empathy, and as a result it is important in helping us get along and navigate this thing called life. I've thought long and hard about the recent election, which to me was a very difficult election that challenged my conscience in a myriad of ways. My perspective, my conscience, and who I voted for was unique to my particular set of experiences and values that didn't have to make sense or find a repository of agreement with anyone else except with me. I think this election cycle was a good lesson in perspective in that not every one's perspective on life or politics is exactly the same, because as noted above, everyone is coming at issues from his/her own personal beliefs, experiences, and life circumstances.
If we are to understand and live with one another, we have to try and grapple with understanding all perspectives and not be dismissive of any set of experiences. I try to surround myself with friends of all races, backgrounds, religious convictions, economic circumstances, and national origins because, in part, I want to understand and be empathetic to what different people feel and think. It's part of developing basic human compassion and as a Christian, I believe it is something I am particularly called to try and experience. If we only view the world through myopic lenses of our particular perspective, we can never truly empathize with the very personal experiences of others, and we become cold, distant, humorless, and heartless.
During this season of Christmas, we are challenged I think to try and bring the love of Christ to others...this means stretching ourselves and refraining from judgment. How we reach out, how we help others, is not by bringing them round to our own perspective, but embracing them with love that respects the unique Christ-like nature, or the inner Buddha, whatever you want to call it, of each person. Christ's disciples were a rather motley crew of fisherman, carpenters, tax collectors, and even prostitutes. Christ's perspective was one of embracing each individual person, right where he or she was. The church I attend has a beautiful statue of Christ's Crucifixion front and center above the altar. At the foot of the cross, are St. John, Mary Mother of God, St. Mary Magdalene, a Jewish priest, and a Roman Centurion...all of whom formed a cross section of first century Roman Judea and yet, they stood together at the foot of the cross.
May you each view the world as glass half full, and may you each reach out to embrace the other as your brother and sister.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
Monica
Monday, July 4, 2016
Re-booting Happiness
I'm a huge believer in taking something bad and trying to turn it into something good. I don't always succeed at this endeavor, but nevertheless, I keep trying. I think a good word for this endeavor may be re-booting. When something bad happens on your computer, and it freezes up and is just "stuck", you turn off the computer, and you re-boot it, in hopes that by re-booting it, the freeze up, the bad thing that happened, will disappear, and your screen will re-set itself. And all will be well.
July 3rd has been a date for us that has been steeped in meaning for the last twelve years of our lives. Actually, a bit more than that when you consider that we received the referral of Lydia somewhere around May of 2004. We received the photo you see here of the little sweetheart with Brooke Shields' eyebrows, and a pensive look just before Mother's Day in 2004. Since that time, July 3 has always been and always will be Lydia's birthday. When we traveled to China in July of 2004 to get Lydia, we were unable to spend her first birthday with her. Instead, we were stuck at the White Swan hotel watching a mega-badminton tournament and dreaming of the time two days later when we would hold our daughter in our arms.
So, the next year, on July 3, was kind of a big deal. It was the first birthday we would get to spend with Lydia! Her first birthday with a forever family. And we celebrated big with a birthday party in the park with family and friends, balloons, cake, gifts, games...you name it. And so each July 3rd was special, because we knew that Lydia had spent that first day being abandoned somewhere...alone, sweating, hungry, thirsty, and we hated to think of how that first birthday played out.
Then August 15, 2008 hit, and Lydia was diagnosed with leukemia. Six months later she was dead. And then her birthday rolled around. Anyone who has lost a child will tell you that there are two horrible dates: the day the child died, and the child's birthday. One is horrible for the loss you feel in thinking about the fact that it is the day the child died, and the other is horrible because a birthday is so full of promise, hope and happiness....all extinguished when the child is dead. It is also horrific because as each birthday rolls around, another milestone is passed...first, she would be 6, and then 8, and then 10, and then, as for us this year: 13. And the years will stretch on, and it will be impossible to imagine her at 40, when I am 71. What would she have become? Would she have gotten married? Had kids? All the the hopes, dreams, all your wishes for your child...gone. And so that birthday just sits there, waiting for you every year. It looms ahead and it looms behind. You never forget.
Fast forward to this year. As those of you know who have been following Lydia's carepage, I converted to Catholicism this year after a long journey home, a journey that really started when Lydia went to preschool at St. Mary's. Mark had been baptized Catholic as an infant in Japan. Once, I became Catholic, as two then-Catholics, we had to do a convalidation of our marriage. We could have filed some paperwork and sent it off to the Vatican, but we decided that we would like to re-boot July 3rd for our family. We asked Father Joe if he could arrange it so that we could do a marriage ceremony in lieu of just paperwork on July 3rd, thereby turning Lydia's birthday into a celebration of our marriage, our family and our commitment to one another, and re-booting the day so that it would not just be associated with something sad, but something happy, something joyful, and something that rose from the ashes of Lydia's death.
If there is some time in your life, or a moment, that is weighing you down, and you don't know how to get out from under the weight of that moment, a re-boot is a good way of turning something negative into something positive. It's like reclaiming happiness from the depths of despair, as Anne of Green Gables might say.
Henceforth, July 3rd will not just be a time to think of Lydia, but to think what we have re-claimed from the depths of despair.
God bless,
Monica, Mark, Max, Sarah-Grace, and ^^Lydia^^
July 3rd has been a date for us that has been steeped in meaning for the last twelve years of our lives. Actually, a bit more than that when you consider that we received the referral of Lydia somewhere around May of 2004. We received the photo you see here of the little sweetheart with Brooke Shields' eyebrows, and a pensive look just before Mother's Day in 2004. Since that time, July 3 has always been and always will be Lydia's birthday. When we traveled to China in July of 2004 to get Lydia, we were unable to spend her first birthday with her. Instead, we were stuck at the White Swan hotel watching a mega-badminton tournament and dreaming of the time two days later when we would hold our daughter in our arms.
So, the next year, on July 3, was kind of a big deal. It was the first birthday we would get to spend with Lydia! Her first birthday with a forever family. And we celebrated big with a birthday party in the park with family and friends, balloons, cake, gifts, games...you name it. And so each July 3rd was special, because we knew that Lydia had spent that first day being abandoned somewhere...alone, sweating, hungry, thirsty, and we hated to think of how that first birthday played out.
Then August 15, 2008 hit, and Lydia was diagnosed with leukemia. Six months later she was dead. And then her birthday rolled around. Anyone who has lost a child will tell you that there are two horrible dates: the day the child died, and the child's birthday. One is horrible for the loss you feel in thinking about the fact that it is the day the child died, and the other is horrible because a birthday is so full of promise, hope and happiness....all extinguished when the child is dead. It is also horrific because as each birthday rolls around, another milestone is passed...first, she would be 6, and then 8, and then 10, and then, as for us this year: 13. And the years will stretch on, and it will be impossible to imagine her at 40, when I am 71. What would she have become? Would she have gotten married? Had kids? All the the hopes, dreams, all your wishes for your child...gone. And so that birthday just sits there, waiting for you every year. It looms ahead and it looms behind. You never forget.
Fast forward to this year. As those of you know who have been following Lydia's carepage, I converted to Catholicism this year after a long journey home, a journey that really started when Lydia went to preschool at St. Mary's. Mark had been baptized Catholic as an infant in Japan. Once, I became Catholic, as two then-Catholics, we had to do a convalidation of our marriage. We could have filed some paperwork and sent it off to the Vatican, but we decided that we would like to re-boot July 3rd for our family. We asked Father Joe if he could arrange it so that we could do a marriage ceremony in lieu of just paperwork on July 3rd, thereby turning Lydia's birthday into a celebration of our marriage, our family and our commitment to one another, and re-booting the day so that it would not just be associated with something sad, but something happy, something joyful, and something that rose from the ashes of Lydia's death.
If there is some time in your life, or a moment, that is weighing you down, and you don't know how to get out from under the weight of that moment, a re-boot is a good way of turning something negative into something positive. It's like reclaiming happiness from the depths of despair, as Anne of Green Gables might say.
Henceforth, July 3rd will not just be a time to think of Lydia, but to think what we have re-claimed from the depths of despair.
God bless,
Monica, Mark, Max, Sarah-Grace, and ^^Lydia^^
Monday, April 4, 2016
Transformation
As I completed my journey to the Catholic Church, my journey home, I did a lot of thinking about the teachings of the Church, the idea of natural law, and the relationship between secular and religious laws. These are not easy questions. They are questions very much at the forefront of our national debate. This type of thinking prompted me to ponder the reasoning behind various laws. In law school we often talk about the public policy behind this or that law as a way to argue the merit, or demerit, as the case may be, of a given law. Why was the law enacted? What was Congress’s intent in passing such a law? Who is supposed to be protected by the law, and what if any, unintended consequences, were created by the law?
Our legal system is very complex. It wasn’t always so. In the good old days, there weren’t law schools. People didn’t spend years studying the abstract idea of how to be a lawyer. They went to undergraduate, and then apprenticed themselves to a practicing attorney, got out their Blackstone’s and a volume set of the state legal code, and went to work. Today, the life and law library of a lawyer is much different. There are state codes, federal codes, tax codes, administrative codes, rules of civil and criminal procedure, and even rules of superintendence our state supreme courts promulgate. There are local rules for each court in which you practice, and local procedures and policies that are often unspoken. There are rules for mediators, rules for guardians, rules for guardian ad litem, and ethical codes for attorneys.
Despite, or perhaps because of all these rules, nothing much can function without lawyers these days. It now takes a team of lawyers from a myriad of fields to advise even a mid-sized business. Lawyers are afraid of being sued by clients and other lawyers. Lay people sometimes break the law without even knowing it. Some use the fact that enforcing all these laws is increasingly difficult. They take advantage of the lax enforcement to work the system. We have so many laws, ethical codes, bullying codes, codes of conducts, trainings and the like that it literally blows the mind. Every time we think we solve one problem by passing this or that law, another problem shows up. Yet somehow people seem to think that more and more laws, making this or that illegal or unethical, is the secret to changing behavior.
As a lawyer, I’m going to challenge that notion. Yes, law can be a help to change the way people live, but ultimately, things can only truly change when people’s hearts are transformed. We can make abortion illegal, or drug possession criminalized, we can make this or that group a protected class; yet ultimately, real change cannot occur unless people’s heart are transformed, because with each new law, there is a new way to skirt the law, bypass it, find the grey area, or just downright ignore it.
I’ve often heard older attorneys talk about the good ole days, when deals were done with simple contracts and a shake of the hand. While some of that does seem the stuff of legend, it now seems that only an airtight, throw everything in but the kitchen sink, type of legal document is sufficient for even the simplest of real estate home sales. No longer does a person’s word mean you can count on them. For the most part, you better have something in writing, documented via email or text, or somehow provable, or you can forget about the person ever admitting to this or that exchange.
My point is: we don’t actually need more laws. We need people to be transformed. When people let go of greed, personal ambition, jealousy, the acquisition of wealth, and behave in the true manner of Christ, laws aren’t needed. When people don’t lie, you can count on their word, and an iron clad contract isn’t needed. When people respect life, you don’t need strict laws about when you can and can’t have abortion. When people value marriage, you don’t need complex case law on divorce and child custody. The problem isn’t a lack of law. It is a lack of humanity, and a lack of thinking about something other than your own wants. It seems to be the fate of human beings to always want more, to never be satisfied. As long as we look for love in all the wrong places, satisfaction will be fleeting, effervescent, and will leave us with an unquenchable thirst, or maybe as Shel Silverstein said “the itch we just can’t scratch”.
In this mixed up crazy world full of hedonism, instant gratification, and mass media, we are called to a higher transformation in which we eschew those earthly things for the call to love one another as He has loved us. No law can truly prevent a behavior. Only a true transformation of the person can prevent certain behaviors. Not even a religious or ecclesiastical law can force certain behaviors. That kind of transformation can only occur internally, and only through free will. In this political season, it’s important to remember what politicians can and can’t do. They can’t transform people’s hearts; they can’t remake a person through divine mercy; and they can’t legislate morality. Don’t put your trust in another human being to fix these things. There is only one thing that can truly transform someone’s heart, and that is the grace and the love of God.
As I completed my journey to the Catholic Church, my journey home, I did a lot of thinking about the teachings of the Church, the idea of natural law, and the relationship between secular and religious laws. These are not easy questions. They are questions very much at the forefront of our national debate. This type of thinking prompted me to ponder the reasoning behind various laws. In law school we often talk about the public policy behind this or that law as a way to argue the merit, or demerit, as the case may be, of a given law. Why was the law enacted? What was Congress’s intent in passing such a law? Who is supposed to be protected by the law, and what if any, unintended consequences, were created by the law?
Our legal system is very complex. It wasn’t always so. In the good old days, there weren’t law schools. People didn’t spend years studying the abstract idea of how to be a lawyer. They went to undergraduate, and then apprenticed themselves to a practicing attorney, got out their Blackstone’s and a volume set of the state legal code, and went to work. Today, the life and law library of a lawyer is much different. There are state codes, federal codes, tax codes, administrative codes, rules of civil and criminal procedure, and even rules of superintendence our state supreme courts promulgate. There are local rules for each court in which you practice, and local procedures and policies that are often unspoken. There are rules for mediators, rules for guardians, rules for guardian ad litem, and ethical codes for attorneys.
Despite, or perhaps because of all these rules, nothing much can function without lawyers these days. It now takes a team of lawyers from a myriad of fields to advise even a mid-sized business. Lawyers are afraid of being sued by clients and other lawyers. Lay people sometimes break the law without even knowing it. Some use the fact that enforcing all these laws is increasingly difficult. They take advantage of the lax enforcement to work the system. We have so many laws, ethical codes, bullying codes, codes of conducts, trainings and the like that it literally blows the mind. Every time we think we solve one problem by passing this or that law, another problem shows up. Yet somehow people seem to think that more and more laws, making this or that illegal or unethical, is the secret to changing behavior.
As a lawyer, I’m going to challenge that notion. Yes, law can be a help to change the way people live, but ultimately, things can only truly change when people’s hearts are transformed. We can make abortion illegal, or drug possession criminalized, we can make this or that group a protected class; yet ultimately, real change cannot occur unless people’s heart are transformed, because with each new law, there is a new way to skirt the law, bypass it, find the grey area, or just downright ignore it.
I’ve often heard older attorneys talk about the good ole days, when deals were done with simple contracts and a shake of the hand. While some of that does seem the stuff of legend, it now seems that only an airtight, throw everything in but the kitchen sink, type of legal document is sufficient for even the simplest of real estate home sales. No longer does a person’s word mean you can count on them. For the most part, you better have something in writing, documented via email or text, or somehow provable, or you can forget about the person ever admitting to this or that exchange.
My point is: we don’t actually need more laws. We need people to be transformed. When people let go of greed, personal ambition, jealousy, the acquisition of wealth, and behave in the true manner of Christ, laws aren’t needed. When people don’t lie, you can count on their word, and an iron clad contract isn’t needed. When people respect life, you don’t need strict laws about when you can and can’t have abortion. When people value marriage, you don’t need complex case law on divorce and child custody. The problem isn’t a lack of law. It is a lack of humanity, and a lack of thinking about something other than your own wants. It seems to be the fate of human beings to always want more, to never be satisfied. As long as we look for love in all the wrong places, satisfaction will be fleeting, effervescent, and will leave us with an unquenchable thirst, or maybe as Shel Silverstein said “the itch we just can’t scratch”.
In this mixed up crazy world full of hedonism, instant gratification, and mass media, we are called to a higher transformation in which we eschew those earthly things for the call to love one another as He has loved us. No law can truly prevent a behavior. Only a true transformation of the person can prevent certain behaviors. Not even a religious or ecclesiastical law can force certain behaviors. That kind of transformation can only occur internally, and only through free will. In this political season, it’s important to remember what politicians can and can’t do. They can’t transform people’s hearts; they can’t remake a person through divine mercy; and they can’t legislate morality. Don’t put your trust in another human being to fix these things. There is only one thing that can truly transform someone’s heart, and that is the grace and the love of God.
Saturday, December 26, 2015
Turning 44
Tomorrow, is my birthday, and I will be 44. I think the 40's are a time for deep contemplation of life. I can see why many a mid-life crisis happens in the 40's. In your 20's, you have entered into adulthood and everything is about establishing independence. In your 30's, you are digging deep into your career, your family, and life and you build stability. In your 40's though, you realize that fast approaching are the 50's and 60's, with all the health issues, and retirement income worries. You realize that you may never get to retire. Your parents' health starts to fail and in many cases, you lose one or both parents. Your children in many instances have either left the nest, are about to, or even worse, they hit puberty...right at the time you begin to hit menopause. I think God had a design flaw in that plan....or maybe I should have had my kids younger. By the time you get to your mid 40's, you realize there is a very good chance you may not live another 44 years....it's humbling.
As a woman, I think that another thing starts to happen as well. Maybe something that doesn't happen to men until much later...which is that you realize that many people will start to see you as a middle aged woman, with all that implies. You realize that you are pretty much past child bearing years, while the men still have years of viable sperm left. Men are classified as "distinguished" as they age, while women get plastic surgery or Botox themselves to death...we have only to look at Barbara Walters and her plastic face to see what society attempts to require of us.
These sorts of stereotypes and story lines about middle-aged woman sometimes lead woman to engage in our own Peter Pan'ish fantasies in which we run around acting half our age if only to prove that we are hip or whatever we are trying to prove.
BUT, I think I would like us to reclaim something. In many ancient societies, the older woman was revered as a wise teacher, a mother to all, and a voice of timeless truths. Somewhere along the way we have lost the idea that age can lend something to a discussion, to society. Our quest for the fountain of youth and all things young, hip and fast, has caused us to downplay the important role of all ages in our culture, and the contributions each stage of life can make. Experience should count for something. Somehow, in our modern world, maybe starting in the 1960's, youth culture forced the elderly off the stage, and the elderly ceded that ground to the youth. We have become victims of corporate marketing to such an extent we now "type" people by which generation they belong to.
Well, this is my battle cry of Revolution a la Tawanda from Fried Green Tomatoes fame. Don't cede your experience, your authority, or your wisdom to our youth infatuated culture. Keep your balance by having one foot in modernity and one foot grounded in experience. Don't let anyone make you feel less valued as you age. If I think about people I admire who aged gracefully, Katharine Hepburn immediately jumps to mind. She was herself, and true to herself to the end, all the while not being critical of others, but staying grounded in who she was while at the same time adapting to the world around her.
As women, we face challenges of biology unique to our feminine identities. But we don't have to be held captive to expectations, stereotypes or generational categories. Embrace your 40's, and live life fully. By this time in your life, you have learned enough to know who you are, so go out into the world, confidant about that identity and live, laugh and love. Enjoy every moment, because as we have learned by the time we reach our 40's, time is precious!
Tomorrow, is my birthday, and I will be 44. I think the 40's are a time for deep contemplation of life. I can see why many a mid-life crisis happens in the 40's. In your 20's, you have entered into adulthood and everything is about establishing independence. In your 30's, you are digging deep into your career, your family, and life and you build stability. In your 40's though, you realize that fast approaching are the 50's and 60's, with all the health issues, and retirement income worries. You realize that you may never get to retire. Your parents' health starts to fail and in many cases, you lose one or both parents. Your children in many instances have either left the nest, are about to, or even worse, they hit puberty...right at the time you begin to hit menopause. I think God had a design flaw in that plan....or maybe I should have had my kids younger. By the time you get to your mid 40's, you realize there is a very good chance you may not live another 44 years....it's humbling.
As a woman, I think that another thing starts to happen as well. Maybe something that doesn't happen to men until much later...which is that you realize that many people will start to see you as a middle aged woman, with all that implies. You realize that you are pretty much past child bearing years, while the men still have years of viable sperm left. Men are classified as "distinguished" as they age, while women get plastic surgery or Botox themselves to death...we have only to look at Barbara Walters and her plastic face to see what society attempts to require of us.
These sorts of stereotypes and story lines about middle-aged woman sometimes lead woman to engage in our own Peter Pan'ish fantasies in which we run around acting half our age if only to prove that we are hip or whatever we are trying to prove.
BUT, I think I would like us to reclaim something. In many ancient societies, the older woman was revered as a wise teacher, a mother to all, and a voice of timeless truths. Somewhere along the way we have lost the idea that age can lend something to a discussion, to society. Our quest for the fountain of youth and all things young, hip and fast, has caused us to downplay the important role of all ages in our culture, and the contributions each stage of life can make. Experience should count for something. Somehow, in our modern world, maybe starting in the 1960's, youth culture forced the elderly off the stage, and the elderly ceded that ground to the youth. We have become victims of corporate marketing to such an extent we now "type" people by which generation they belong to.
Well, this is my battle cry of Revolution a la Tawanda from Fried Green Tomatoes fame. Don't cede your experience, your authority, or your wisdom to our youth infatuated culture. Keep your balance by having one foot in modernity and one foot grounded in experience. Don't let anyone make you feel less valued as you age. If I think about people I admire who aged gracefully, Katharine Hepburn immediately jumps to mind. She was herself, and true to herself to the end, all the while not being critical of others, but staying grounded in who she was while at the same time adapting to the world around her.
As women, we face challenges of biology unique to our feminine identities. But we don't have to be held captive to expectations, stereotypes or generational categories. Embrace your 40's, and live life fully. By this time in your life, you have learned enough to know who you are, so go out into the world, confidant about that identity and live, laugh and love. Enjoy every moment, because as we have learned by the time we reach our 40's, time is precious!
Wednesday, December 23, 2015
Merry Christmas Family and Friends!
Here I sit on Christmas Eve Eve, having decided to write an electronic, non-paper Christmas card this year. For Eco-friendly reasons and due to time constraints, I figured this is the best way to reach the most amount of people before Christmas! So, in honor of our kids attending a Montessori School where these are all the rage, I present to you:
A Christmas Acrostic!
M is for Monica who this year became a certified yoga teacher! After years of just talking about it, she decided it was time to just do it! After a year of studying and exams, Monica is pleased to announce she is certified at the 200 RYT level in Hatha yoga.
E is for "Every" night....every night it's something: from Max's choir practice to Swim team to ballet to yoga to...well, you get the idea. Every night, there is something going on, and Monica and Mark most often feel like taxi drivers.
R is for reading! Sarah learned to read this year and has already read several little books for us. It is so fun to see her reading in such a natural way that made it so fun for her to learn.
R is for rhythm. Both kids really enjoy music, dancing and singing! If you ask them their favorite pop song, Sarah might say it is the "Better When I'm Dancing" song from the Snoopy movie, and Max would say probably Psy's new hit "Daddy."
Y is for yearly! It was fun to make our yearly trek to Lakeside, Ohio this year to spend time with our dear friends Kelly and Zane and their kids Madelyn, Ciarra and Torin, as well as with Monica's parents. The kids had a blast this year as we decided to take the plunge and share a cottage almost right on the water. We saw some great shows, ate Sloopy's pizza, and had fun hanging out on the front porch painting rocks. We also traveled to Canada for the Shaw Festival to stay at our favorite old inn, The Charles, and to see a few plays. We also visited family in West Virginia over Spring Break. And of course, there were the fun concerts at Blossom to hear the always amazing Cleveland Orchestra!
C is for cat! This year we added another fur baby to our family with the addition of Weasley, a ginger tabby who is super sweet and a bit wild. He loves to torment his big sisters: Grizabella, Agatha and Daisy.
H is for holy. This year, our family, after much thought and contemplation, decided to become Catholic. Monica is currently going through RCIA classes at St. Mary's Parish in Wooster, while Max will take his first communion on his 11th birthday in the Spring. Mark is planning to take RCIA next year and Sarah will continue in her Parish School of Religion classes.
R is for riding our bikes. This Summer, due to some great weather that extended late into Fall, we really enjoyed riding bikes together as a family, all over Orrville. Biking to get ice cream, or down to our neighborhood hang out Jerry's, made the summer a blast!
I is for Indians! One of the things we enjoyed most about this summer was our mini season ticket package to the Cleveland Indians' games. Our kids loved the games and the stadium so much, they both got the bug of collecting baseball cards, and their new favorite song became "The Star-Spangled Banner". We can't wait for Spring Training.
S is for Suzuki. Sarah started Suzuki violin last year, and has already had several opportunities to perform in the community. The lessons keep mom and dad busy as Sarah goes twice a week: once during the week and then Saturdays for group classes.
T is for total shock! After a year of playing the drums, Max shocked his drum-playing parents with the shocking news that he wanted to play....flute! He is apparently a natural at it, and seems to enjoy it, but Monica's hopes for another percussionist seem to be a bit lost. He still plays the piano, which is often labeled a percussion instrument, so there's that consolation.
M is for Montessori. The kids are enjoying spending another year at Montessori school. Max has been there for four years, and Sarah, since she was a baby. Max is in fourth grade and part of the Upper El class. He loves his teacher, Mrs. Gamble, and has worked on some interesting projects from Muhammad Ali to a project on his Aunt Lianne's youth in Germany to John Singer Sargent. Sarah is in kindergarten and got to be the first class in the new building that went up on campus this year.
A is for "A" fixture...Mark is still at Smuckers, and Monica at the University of Akron. Monica intends on expanding her law practice this year in addition to teaching yoga and classes at Akron. Yep, she's a busy girl!
S is for Super....we feel super blessed and super fortunate to live in a great little town, in a great county, which is in close proximity to Cleveland and Akron, with wonderful friends and family to surround us. We also feel super blessed to have two great international students, Nanako Ito and Hero Endo, both from Japan and now Juniors at the College of Wooster as our extended adopted family.
So, as I close this Christmas acrostic, we wish you a blessed Christmas, a very happy Holiday and a bountiful and peace-filled New Year. May next year's election cycle not drive you completely batty!
Blessings,
Monica, Mark, Max, Sarah-Grace, and ^^Lydia^^
And the cats:
Grizabella, Agatha, Daisy, and Weasley
Here I sit on Christmas Eve Eve, having decided to write an electronic, non-paper Christmas card this year. For Eco-friendly reasons and due to time constraints, I figured this is the best way to reach the most amount of people before Christmas! So, in honor of our kids attending a Montessori School where these are all the rage, I present to you:
M is for Monica who this year became a certified yoga teacher! After years of just talking about it, she decided it was time to just do it! After a year of studying and exams, Monica is pleased to announce she is certified at the 200 RYT level in Hatha yoga.
E is for "Every" night....every night it's something: from Max's choir practice to Swim team to ballet to yoga to...well, you get the idea. Every night, there is something going on, and Monica and Mark most often feel like taxi drivers.
R is for reading! Sarah learned to read this year and has already read several little books for us. It is so fun to see her reading in such a natural way that made it so fun for her to learn.
R is for rhythm. Both kids really enjoy music, dancing and singing! If you ask them their favorite pop song, Sarah might say it is the "Better When I'm Dancing" song from the Snoopy movie, and Max would say probably Psy's new hit "Daddy."
Y is for yearly! It was fun to make our yearly trek to Lakeside, Ohio this year to spend time with our dear friends Kelly and Zane and their kids Madelyn, Ciarra and Torin, as well as with Monica's parents. The kids had a blast this year as we decided to take the plunge and share a cottage almost right on the water. We saw some great shows, ate Sloopy's pizza, and had fun hanging out on the front porch painting rocks. We also traveled to Canada for the Shaw Festival to stay at our favorite old inn, The Charles, and to see a few plays. We also visited family in West Virginia over Spring Break. And of course, there were the fun concerts at Blossom to hear the always amazing Cleveland Orchestra!
C is for cat! This year we added another fur baby to our family with the addition of Weasley, a ginger tabby who is super sweet and a bit wild. He loves to torment his big sisters: Grizabella, Agatha and Daisy.
H is for holy. This year, our family, after much thought and contemplation, decided to become Catholic. Monica is currently going through RCIA classes at St. Mary's Parish in Wooster, while Max will take his first communion on his 11th birthday in the Spring. Mark is planning to take RCIA next year and Sarah will continue in her Parish School of Religion classes.
R is for riding our bikes. This Summer, due to some great weather that extended late into Fall, we really enjoyed riding bikes together as a family, all over Orrville. Biking to get ice cream, or down to our neighborhood hang out Jerry's, made the summer a blast!
I is for Indians! One of the things we enjoyed most about this summer was our mini season ticket package to the Cleveland Indians' games. Our kids loved the games and the stadium so much, they both got the bug of collecting baseball cards, and their new favorite song became "The Star-Spangled Banner". We can't wait for Spring Training.
S is for Suzuki. Sarah started Suzuki violin last year, and has already had several opportunities to perform in the community. The lessons keep mom and dad busy as Sarah goes twice a week: once during the week and then Saturdays for group classes.
T is for total shock! After a year of playing the drums, Max shocked his drum-playing parents with the shocking news that he wanted to play....flute! He is apparently a natural at it, and seems to enjoy it, but Monica's hopes for another percussionist seem to be a bit lost. He still plays the piano, which is often labeled a percussion instrument, so there's that consolation.
M is for Montessori. The kids are enjoying spending another year at Montessori school. Max has been there for four years, and Sarah, since she was a baby. Max is in fourth grade and part of the Upper El class. He loves his teacher, Mrs. Gamble, and has worked on some interesting projects from Muhammad Ali to a project on his Aunt Lianne's youth in Germany to John Singer Sargent. Sarah is in kindergarten and got to be the first class in the new building that went up on campus this year.
A is for "A" fixture...Mark is still at Smuckers, and Monica at the University of Akron. Monica intends on expanding her law practice this year in addition to teaching yoga and classes at Akron. Yep, she's a busy girl!
S is for Super....we feel super blessed and super fortunate to live in a great little town, in a great county, which is in close proximity to Cleveland and Akron, with wonderful friends and family to surround us. We also feel super blessed to have two great international students, Nanako Ito and Hero Endo, both from Japan and now Juniors at the College of Wooster as our extended adopted family.
So, as I close this Christmas acrostic, we wish you a blessed Christmas, a very happy Holiday and a bountiful and peace-filled New Year. May next year's election cycle not drive you completely batty!
Blessings,
Monica, Mark, Max, Sarah-Grace, and ^^Lydia^^
And the cats:
Grizabella, Agatha, Daisy, and Weasley
Thursday, December 10, 2015
How to Avoid the Christmas Crazies: The Real Meaning of Advent
Since I began this journey to become Catholic, I have been amazed by how deep and rich a tradition the Catholic church really is. There are so many ways to become engaged in your faith that I never felt I had as a Protestant. One thing that especially strikes me about this richness is the holistic manner in which you can experience your religion within Catholicism. From the beauty of the Mass, to a relationship with Mary, to the idea of the Invisible Church and Saints, there are a myriad of ways to connect with and identify with your faith.
As I have been studying about and learning about Catholicism, and as Mark will tell you, it is an involved process, I have been struck by the way in which the Old Testament presages the Gospels, which in turn are tied in to St. Paul's Letters. I had never examined as a Protestant, not in all the Bible studies I attended, the history and richness of the Old Testament as it relates to what is coming in the Gospels. Each Mass those dots get connected and you can see a clear path from the old covenant to the new.
One of the most beautiful traditions I am currently experiencing is the Catholic understanding of Advent. The word "advent" derives from its Latin root advenire which means "to come". As a Protestant, I had largely experienced Advent through the lighting of the advent wreath. I wasn't aware of what this period really meant in the early Church. In the Catholic sense, Advent is a time of penitential reflection as we await the incarnation of God through Jesus.
As part of that idea of incarnation, we celebrate the Feast of the Immaculate Conception, the Feast of our Lady of Guadalupe, and on January 1, otherwise known as New Year's Day, the Solemnity of the Virgin Mary. These feast days mean that one is reflecting on Mary's role in the incarnation as well as what Advent means in the larger context, which is the idea of Jesus coming into history in the first century A.D. but also his coming in the "to be continued" context, meaning, when he comes again. The word penitent means that we are in thought about our sins and about how we need to conform our minds and hearts to God's will. As Catholics, we contemplate and experience the sacrifice that is reflected at each Mass through the sacrament of communion.
And so, in the midst of Christmas music about Santa and reindeer, which is fun and delightful for us all, I am reminded of the true meaning of Christmas: obedience, in Mary's response to God, and sacrifice, in God making himself fully human for us. For us. It's easy to get wrapped up in all the craziness of gift giving, TV shows, food, parties and the non-stop Christmas, but not necessarily sacred, music on the radio, BUT like the true inspiration for Santa, St. Nicholas, it's also about giving to others, and trying each day to reflect the spirit of Christ to our brothers and sisters. My kids aren't going to have lots of presents this year, mostly because I want them to think about what Christmas is all about. We will go to Mass a bunch, even on days other than a Sunday. We will light the advent wreath, we will give to charity, but most of all, we will refocus our minds by shifting our focus from the Christmas tree to the manger scene.
May you have a very Christ-filled Advent!
Monica
Since I began this journey to become Catholic, I have been amazed by how deep and rich a tradition the Catholic church really is. There are so many ways to become engaged in your faith that I never felt I had as a Protestant. One thing that especially strikes me about this richness is the holistic manner in which you can experience your religion within Catholicism. From the beauty of the Mass, to a relationship with Mary, to the idea of the Invisible Church and Saints, there are a myriad of ways to connect with and identify with your faith.
As I have been studying about and learning about Catholicism, and as Mark will tell you, it is an involved process, I have been struck by the way in which the Old Testament presages the Gospels, which in turn are tied in to St. Paul's Letters. I had never examined as a Protestant, not in all the Bible studies I attended, the history and richness of the Old Testament as it relates to what is coming in the Gospels. Each Mass those dots get connected and you can see a clear path from the old covenant to the new.
One of the most beautiful traditions I am currently experiencing is the Catholic understanding of Advent. The word "advent" derives from its Latin root advenire which means "to come". As a Protestant, I had largely experienced Advent through the lighting of the advent wreath. I wasn't aware of what this period really meant in the early Church. In the Catholic sense, Advent is a time of penitential reflection as we await the incarnation of God through Jesus.
As part of that idea of incarnation, we celebrate the Feast of the Immaculate Conception, the Feast of our Lady of Guadalupe, and on January 1, otherwise known as New Year's Day, the Solemnity of the Virgin Mary. These feast days mean that one is reflecting on Mary's role in the incarnation as well as what Advent means in the larger context, which is the idea of Jesus coming into history in the first century A.D. but also his coming in the "to be continued" context, meaning, when he comes again. The word penitent means that we are in thought about our sins and about how we need to conform our minds and hearts to God's will. As Catholics, we contemplate and experience the sacrifice that is reflected at each Mass through the sacrament of communion.
And so, in the midst of Christmas music about Santa and reindeer, which is fun and delightful for us all, I am reminded of the true meaning of Christmas: obedience, in Mary's response to God, and sacrifice, in God making himself fully human for us. For us. It's easy to get wrapped up in all the craziness of gift giving, TV shows, food, parties and the non-stop Christmas, but not necessarily sacred, music on the radio, BUT like the true inspiration for Santa, St. Nicholas, it's also about giving to others, and trying each day to reflect the spirit of Christ to our brothers and sisters. My kids aren't going to have lots of presents this year, mostly because I want them to think about what Christmas is all about. We will go to Mass a bunch, even on days other than a Sunday. We will light the advent wreath, we will give to charity, but most of all, we will refocus our minds by shifting our focus from the Christmas tree to the manger scene.
May you have a very Christ-filled Advent!
Monica
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