Confidence in God

This morning, I was using a new Prayer Journal I made, and I came across the above prayer, from a retreat I attended several years ago through my church.  The quote is from Thomas Merton, who was an American Trappist monk and who used Meditation and various Buddhist techniques as part of his prayer life.  When Pope Francis visited the U.S. several years ago he mentioned the importance of Thomas Merton.  His most famous work, and one I would recommend to you, is "The Seven Storey Mountain".  Anything Thomas Merton says or writes, I sit up and take notice because I know it is going to resonate with me, and I hope it does with you too.  

Here are my thoughts about this passage.  First, it reminds me of my favorite poem "The Road Not Taken" by Robert Frost.  This is probably the first reason it resonated with me and caught my attention.  The prayer sees life as a journey, not a destination.  It talks about the paths we chose and where life takes us; each choice, a tributary from the main road.  It talks about how we are kind of "flying blind"sometimes; how we can delude ourselves that we are following God's will, even when we aren't but we think we are.  God is sort of like that metal piece on the road at the Cedar Point car ride that keeps us on the road even as we struggle mightily, especially on the curves and the turns.  We desire to stay on the road, but sometimes we stray off the road and need to be redirected.  

I found this prayer to have particular relevance to my life right now.  I fundamentally believe that religion is BOTH a communal and an individual experience.  We need a community of believers to lift us up and buoy us when we are down, and we, in turn, can serve as that buoy for others from time to time.  I also believe religion is individual.  We have to have an interior spiritual life that keeps us going and helps us weather whatever storms we face.  There has to be a balance.

Because of the pandemic, my ability to attend Mass has been curtailed at different times this year: first in the Spring and Summer, then a brief respite where I could attend in the Fall; and now I am back to the Winter of Discontent, with even Christmas Mass a big question mark given the infection positivity rate and numbers here in my community.  Hence, I am out of balance.  When that happens I need to remember to stay on the road, and I need to develop my interior life a bit deeper.  I need to widen the path of my interior life as the community path continues to narrow.  

As the prayer indicates, I may not know where I am going.  Seeing the end of the road is difficult and hazy and I struggle to keep the faith that I am even on the right road.  In the end though, even if I seem lost, if I place my trust in God, God is always with me and that desire leads me back to Him.  May you continue to trust in God and find your path through this difficult time in all our lives.

The purpose of education.

The purpose of education.

One of the things that seems most timely to discuss right now is education.  When we think about that topic, I often hear it discussed in a very utilitarian way.  I am not a big fan of utilitarianism.  Utilitarianism is the philosophy that espouses something (or someone) needs to be useful in order to be valuable.  When we start talking about "usefulness" in this context, such a discussion usually ends with trying to justify how education is important to people getting a job, "contributing" to society, or otherwise demonstrating that they or the subject matter involved has some kind of utility.  

Let's start with the premise that humans always have inherent value.  I think this is where the narrative with utilitarianism starts to go askew because when we go down the path of analyzing humans against a utilitarian model this brings up awkward and immoral conversations about one person's relative worth versus another's, and that leads to the slippery slope of eugenics and end of life decisions.  It also sounds strangely capitalistic by valuing a human's earning potential versus what they "cost" society.  That road goes nowhere pretty, and why for me, as a Catholic, I believe all life has inherent value because we are created in the image and likeness of our creator.  I also tend to think this about animals, insects and all life, because it all is derived from the same source: our creator.  

If we move to the domain of the Arts, utilitarianism brings about an ugly result there as well.  From a utilitarian perspective,  buildings are only valued for their function and use, and not for their Beauty (the capital "B" is an intentional ode to Plato). Utilitarianism in architecture, including church architecture, was a big movement in the 1970's, which is hence the reason why we get square, ugly cement boxes, instead of the Sistine Chapel or the Pantheon.  A beautiful piece of music or a work of art, like human life, should not have to prove its usefulness.  It is beautiful as a creation of one created by God.  Within each composition, when it is truly pointing to higher ideals,  is a spark of the divine.  Music and art education should not have to prove any utility but should be valued solely for the expression of human creativity each embody.   

So that brings me to education as an inherent good.  As I think about the pandemic and our ability to cope with it, one of the things that certainly aids that endeavor is the ability to entertain oneself.  The more things we know how to do, the more things we can do, and the more things we can teach ourselves and others.  We can also have a background of historical suffering in which to ground our own individual suffering, understanding we haven't been singled out and aren't being punished.  Life isn't always to be measured by "happiness", money or worldly success.  Happiness, as we understand it today, seems to be a feeling instead of a choice.  Maybe that's part of the problem.  We can't feel our way into happiness; we can only make a choice to try and gain perspective that allows us to see joy through suffering instead of choosing anger, resentment, jealousy and fear. 

We too often view education as a vocational enterprise, instead of a spiritual and intellectual one.  Too many colleges and universities have catered to students and parents who demand dormitories and buildings of a certain calibre, and all the amenities one can imagine.  This, coupled with a bloated administrative staff, too great a focus on sports, and too many varied degrees, has exponentially cxploded the cost of college to the point that students who graduate are over-burdened with debt, and parents are "unhappy" (there's that word again) that their child can't find a job to support himself/herself.  A university really should be a place where a student is taught to think, analyze and to learn how to adapt.  It should be a proving ground for adulthood and struggles of the intellectual and social kind; a launch pad for an adulthood in which the person will face many challenges, obstacles, hurdles, failures, and an uneven path of stops and starts.  The idea is to instill sufficient skills to learn new things along the way, analyze, think critically, and adapt.  Education does not end in a terminal degree that stops once a benchmark has been met.  It is not meant to prepare you for a job in the sense that you go through certain coursework and come out "certified" in your field.  The preparation happens not in the acquisition of knowledge, which by itself is largely fleeting and worthless without wisdom, but in the wisdom learned over the course of experiences and the time it takes to understand life.  That kind of education can't happen online and isolated, and it can't happen without discourse of a constructive kind among people of varied opinions and backgrounds.  Much like a scientific theory, dogma has be to tested against rhetoric and analysis.

We have failed students and society by selling them the notion that a degree is a means to an end...the end being career, money, and success.  Education didn't use to be thought of this way, and this viewpoint is a product of the last 40 years instead of how education was viewed for centuries.  Education was supposed to be training in thought and rhetoric, with the idea that thereafter, subject matter and knowledge could be acquired.  To put it in a modern context....education was building the platform for learning new applications as time progressed.  Think of ancient Greece, or Oxbridge, or the rise of the liberal arts institution at the turn of the 19th-20th centuries:  the idea was to turn out enlightened individuals who understand human nature and gain wisdom.  When we think of education in that context, it is not as important WHAT we study, as how we study it.  

As I begin the process of homeschooling both kids, this issue is very much on my mind.  As a result we will be focusing on literature, language, writing, analysis and critical thinking skills.  May I work to instill not so much knowledge as the process of acquiring that knowledge and ultimately, wisdom, both for my children and for me.  

It's Complicated

It's Complicated.

You know that Facebook status "it's complicated" is actually true about life and human nature.  When I think about everything happening in our world today, I think to myself that it really is quite complicated.  It seems there are two poles or extremes and the voices we hear are never in the middle, which is where I suspect many of us may be.  Somehow being a moderate, an independent, a person who sees both sides, seems suddenly to be a negative thing, when in reality, moderation, as Socrates and Plato said, should be a virtue.  After all, it is "moderates" who are architects of compromise and mediation, and try not to hang out on either pole.  

As it pertains to recent events, I think it is perfectly reasonable to be able to hold seemingly competing ideas in tension with one another.  One can simultaneously think that what happened to George Floyd was horrible and a terrible act of inhumanity, while at the same time thinking that having a police force is a generally good thing, provided that they are well-trained, compassionate, and not militaristic.  One can simultaneously think that racism still exists while still believing that most people are fundamentally good even if not perfect in every thought, belief and deed.  One can simultaneously think that President Trump is an ass, and that he botched the Covid-19 crisis and yet also think that Democrats don't have it exactly right, and that Governor Cuomo too botched things up and cost lives when he forced nursing homes to take recovering Covid-19 patients.  One can simultaneously think that the Republicans get it wrong on many issues, like lack of support for single mothers, immigration, the environment, while acknowledging Democrats get it wrong on things like abortion, completely defunding the police, and reparations.  One can simultaneously think the Confederate flag is akin to a swastika while also believing that statues of historical figures deserve context and explanation and not sent to the ash heap of history.  

Look, in this world of imperfect and fallible humans, we will always be let down if we place our faith in other humans.  Humans will inevitably make mistakes, and sometimes hold, upon reflection years later, views today we deem incompatible with our ideals and with our current view of what constitutes human decency.  It's interesting to note that as society becomes less Judeo-Christian, a new kind of orthodoxy fills that vacuum.  That orthodoxy will be more demanding in many ways than Christianity, because Christianity contains within it the possibility of forgiveness and redemption, even when one's moral failures, which are nearly inevitable for us all, happen repeatedly.  With this new orthodoxy, there is no forgiveness.  Views that were once an accepted norm  (even if objectively wrong) make historical figures unacceptable.  Much of the history surrounding those figures isn't even known by those set upon destroying their statues.  Views deemed to be wrong or unacceptable are met with a Scarlet letter, and a Maoist confessional, where no redemption is possible. Only through Christ are we redeemed as sinners each time we inevitably make a mistake and fail to love our neighbor and our God as we love ourselves.   

Maybe part of the problem is that we have embraced wealth as a societal good instead of kindness, compassion, education and true virtue.  We have strayed away from reading and studying classic human stories as old as time about the struggles of humanity that teach us what it means to be human and the inevitable hubris that comes with thinking we know everything and have all the answers.  The bottom line is that there is no way to create a heaven or utopia here on earth.  We are here to make the best of this life; to live, as  Cicero said, "the good life", but not one of unending frivolity or a "Peter Pan-like" perpetual childhood, but instead, we are called to live a life devoted to a higher purpose in which that perfect rest is attainable only in an after life where the foibles of the human condition no longer exist.  St. Augustine wrote a famous book entitled "City of God".  In that book, he drew comparisons between the City of Man and the City of God.  Only in a celestial city can we find the peace, joy, and perfect love that will always and inevitably elude us here on earth.   Life on earth will never be fair, equal, perfect or even happy.  

There are no guarantees in life and life is inherently full of suffering because of who we are as humans, both individually and collectively.  We are obligated as humans to love our neighbor as ourselves while still recognizing we are not God and cannot heal all wounds or fix all problems.  Yes, life is complicated indeed.  There is no balm for that realization but the love of Christ which teaches us that all people are beloved children of God, from the worst among us, to the very best.  We don't have to be saints to be loved; we don't even have to be good.  We are loved because we are human with all of our faults, warts, failings and ugliness.  Maybe what is actually amiss is the fact that so many don't know they are loved unconditionally.  Perhaps THAT is the message that needs to be shared, and so I will say it: YOU ARE LOVED.   

What happens when you give up Facebook

I've had a love/hate relationship with Facebook for quite a while now. I am sure many of you have too! It's a great tool in many ways for keeping in touch with friends and family. And the "Memories" feature is pretty cool in that you get a great way of remembering where you were on a given day, time, etc. It's a kind of scrapbook but one where you don't have to search your memory to remember when the photo was taken! Facebook is also a giant time suck that I really have forced myself to take stock of, and maybe the pandemic, and everything that happened since, has made me realize that I know too much about the people around me who would ordinarily be an enigma wrapped in a riddle. If I really want to know more about someone I should probably talk to them in person, or maybe I'm just not that interested in what they think about wearing masks, or protests, etc. And maybe, they wouldn't be that interested in my perspective on all things political, social, and, let's not forget, epidemiological, either. 

 Everything that has happened in the last few months has made me realize that there is very little that can substitute for an in person exchange, whether that be learning from a great teacher, in person; having a coffee with someone you are getting to know; or talking with family. Online communication gives us a false sense of "knowing" someone else. The reality is that we very likely don't know ourselves all that well because we spend most of our lives kind of running from the quiet and the introspection needed to think deeply about things. And we really know very few people well. 

 Back when I was in college, in the Dark Ages now, we had to rely on in person communication. There were no cell phones, and we only had one landline in the lobby of the floor of the dorm (eventually Hiram enabled us to have a landline in our rooms...whoa). We also had to go to a computer lab where you had to play nicely with others in order to use a computer and work on and print out your paper. We showered communally in showers not shared by your sweet little pod of 3-5 people but on a floor of 20-30 people. The showers weren't great, and they often became cold after a few people used all the hot water. We ate in a cafeteria and to say the food was substandard would be a gross understatement. There was no pizza bar, Asian wok or other tempting dishes. It was turkey broccoli roll ups and burger night and often, a bowl of Lucky Charms when there really wasn't anything palatable. There was no air conditioning, and my windows froze over with ice on the inside of the room one especially cold and brutal winter. We got through these "difficult" (really, the hashtag #firstworldproblems works here) times together and have a common experience that unites us as college graduates during the 80's and 90's. I feel sorry for kids these days who spend most of their time forming online relationships. My son, who is 15, talks to people online and recently I told him I wanted him to actually call a human being and talk verbally to that person. Even though the phone is a poor substitute for actual in person interaction, it at least is the act of hearing another voice and there is an exchange back and forth, reading the intonation of voice etc., that is required. Hopefully, in this time of social distancing, this still enables him to form some level of human interaction and relationship. 

I don't think I am being wistful about the past or nostalgic or whatever you want to call it. I know that not everything was perfect "back then". But I think there is value to having some level of a shared experience, even if that experience has variations. I also think there is some value to having face to face instruction time with a professor or teacher who cares about you and who wants to genuinely make you think. While online instruction can have some value, it cannot substitute for the in person wisdom imparted from one generation to the next. We are losing something as a society when we fail to both honor the wisdom of those who are older than we, and also when we fail to recognize the value in having interpersonal, human interaction. If the pandemic and lockdowns and zoom have taught us anything, I hope it has taught us the value of a hug, the value of a smile, the value of talking things out in person rather than shouting at one another and scoring points on Facebook, something I too have gotten caught up in. 

It doesn't seem to me it is particularly "woke" to post things on Facebook if you don't seek out in person relationships with people of all backgrounds and opinions, particularly those that differ from yours. We've lost a sense of camaraderie, of civility, of history, of wisdom and of common charity and decency in recognizing that people are different with different experiences and backgrounds. The world would be very boring place indeed if we all thought the same, believed the same, and all had the same experience. Let's remember that difficult conversations about history, race, and politics are probably best left to discussions around a table, with a glass of wine, and a good meal. If you're thinking of giving up Facebook too, I say "welcome aboard".

Almost * All Things in Moderation

Before I begin, let me register a few disclaimers: first, I'm not a personal trainer, dietician, doctor or physical therapist. I am a certified yoga teacher, but that doesn't make me a fitness expert. Second, I'm not trying to sell you anything or ask you to sell or buy anything, and I get nothing of personal gain out of this post....I do get paid by the Orrville Y as a fitness instructor, but I don't get paid by the student, and the Y has not endorsed my post, nor is it meant to be an advertisement for the Y. This is simply my personal story about weight, health, yoga, and the like. Read on, keeping in mind all that I have said.

I am not a gifted athlete...not by a long stretch. I never had a desire to be an athlete, and I will confess to having actual disdain for cheerleaders (sorry to say, but there it is). In high school I was a band, choir, thespian geek and really wanted no part of anything else. When I went off to college, I learned about this idea of the Renaissance man (there weren't really Renaissance women, because well, women weren't allowed to do much). I also learned about the term "polymath" which means someone gifted in many areas...we would call that person today a "jack/jill of all trades". Both these concepts intrigued me as they hearkened back to the Greek ideal that the perfect person (again, "man", sigh) is someone of intellectual as well as oratorical, musical, rhetorical, and yes, physical gifts. In large part, this is also an embracing of the Asian ideal of the Renaissance man, or in Japanese culture, the bushi, or knight. In Japanese culture, this is a samurai who is above being just a warrior but is a man of artistic temperament who can also embrace the beautiful and simple in life including the tea ceremony. All of these ideals go to the larger point of being a well-rounded person, meaning someone who is not just an athlete, or not just a musician, or not just an intellect, but someone who embraces each aspect of the mind, body and spiritual ideal.

So, all these ideas encouraged me over time that I needed to embrace that part of my being that was kind of left out of the equation: my physical self. My voyage of discovery in this regard began with my first foray into yoga twenty years ago. I was doing yoga before it was the popular exercise form that it has now become, and I am here to attest that you don't have to have a background in cheerleading and gymnastics to try and engage in the practice of yoga. Someone at my swimming class today commented on how athletic and flexible I was. This was a WOWZA moment for me because I still don't see myself that way, but it was flattering to hear it. Being that I still believe yoga is very much a practice, I still see myself as coming to my mat each yoga practice trying to improve my mind, body and spirit. Yoga has enabled me to explore that physical connection to my mind and spirit I didn't really know was there, and has given me confidence that I can do things with my body I would never have thought possible.

Some students have asked me what I have done to keep fit and to stay healthy. I will tell you that about two years ago I had a very serious battle with pneumonia that inspired me to think carefully about how I was taking care of myself and the amount of rest I was getting versus work, exercise and the like. I have taken a conscious step, since that illness, to commit to making time to work out and eat healthy. That illness and the physical toll it took on my body saw me gain about 40 lbs I really didn't want. I don't believe in diets or special drinks to lose weight. My personal belief is that you have to learn to live with food and have a healthy relationship with it to keep weight off in the long run. Furthermore, I have always eaten fairly healthy. I don't eat much meat, I eat a decent amount of fish; I eat lots of fruits and veggies and a variety of them to boot; and, I don't drink soda, or eat fried or junky food. I do know that I have a genetic tendency toward heart diseases and diabetes so I am careful.

To take those 40 lbs off, I took these simple steps:

1. Fit bit: I bought myself a fit bit and have a corresponding app on my phone. It records the number of steps I take and the numbers of hours I sleep, as well as my heart rate.

2. Lose It Phone App: I have a calorie counter/exercise counter app on my phone that I use to record my calories and my weight. The importance of this step is accountability. We can tell ourselves all kinds of lies about how much we ate and when, or we even honestly forget. This app helps me to see how much a beer costs me in calories. It keeps track of my weight and tells me how many days until I reach my goal. I also get weighed everyday...yes everyday. I have a ceiling of 5 lbs. If I get on the scale and I start to see my weight creep up, I really cut back. This is important so your weight doesn't get too far ahead of you.

3. Exercise: I either exercise every day, or I try and walk my 12000 steps. Yes, everyday you need to do something! Sometimes I do more than one thing in a day, but you must carve out time to care for yourself. I know all too well that if you don't have your health, everything else pales in comparison. BUT don't overdo it! Do something you love and which you can do everyday without killing yourself! If you make it too hard, you won't keep up with it, so keep in mind what you love and find that thing and then do it as a routine!

4. Food...all things in Moderation. I don't believe in fake food. I don't eat anything that isn't real food. Grass fed meat, grass fed dairy, almond milk, beans, whole grains, small quantities of alcohol (no more than one drink a day!) I also cook pretty much darn near everything from scratch. I bake my own bread every week (two loaves of sourdough bread), and don't have really any canned or frozen food (besides some veggies, fruit and meat) in my freezer. Yes, this takes time, but again, this is about your health, right?

Also, I will say that for me, I try and avoid ANY medication. I used to have to take prilosec for heartburn. After a battle of the side effects of getting off prilosec (it has a rebound effect when you go off it), I am happy to report I am medication free (I was never on any prescription medication...just OTC heartburn and allergy meds), and only rarely do I have to take an OTC allergy med. This is just my personal goal, and is in no way an instruction to everyone to get off medication, but what I do know about medication from my dad's experience with it, is that every medication has a side effect and an impact on some other part of your body. EVERY.SINGLE.ONE. So, for me, I want to avoid/prolong that issue as long as I possibly can.

I am always working toward a goal. I may never achieve it but I always have it insight. Just like yoga, the process of getting healthy and staying healthy is a practice. My big motto about life in general is to do things in Moderation, not in excess. It's hard for all of us not to swing like a pendulum from one extreme to another. Trying to stay at an even keel is hard, but in the long run, it is better for your mind, body and spirit not to bounce from one end to the other.

I hope this was helpful for those of you, like me, for whom fitness and athleticism are not a natural gift. I hope this inspires you that if you get out there and try something, you will be surprised at what you can accomplish!

Namaste!

Yayoi Kusama -Infinity Mirrors

Today, the kids and I, as members of the Cleveland Museum of Art, had the opportunity to go to artist Yayoi Kusama's exhibit entitled "Infinity Mirrors". For those of you not familiar with Ms. Kusama, a little introduction is warranted. Yayoi Kusama was born in Japan in 1929. She is originally from Matsumoto, my favorite, and in my opinion, one of the most beautiful cities in Japan (it's also home to Shiniichi Suzuki, the violinist and founder of the Suzuki method...the original Suzuki School is still there!). Ms. Kusama is BIG into installation art and sculpture...both of which are represented in this show. The title "Infinity Mirrors" is aptly named because a large part of the show is going into little rooms with lots of mirrors, lighting and other repeating themes. There are some sexual themes in the art, but not to the extent that it's inappropriate for children (though if nudity and sexual phallic themes bother you...then maybe skip the art museum all together because those themes are pretty much a common thread throughout human history--take a closer look at those Greek vases next time you stroll through a museum, and you'll see what I mean).

Ms. Kusama is pretty interesting herself. At the end of the exhibit, there is a video of her describing her art and what she hopes it achieves. If you've ever studied geisha, she is kind of a modern version in the sense that she is wearing a wig (hot pink bob) and her face is powdered with ruby red lips and her eyebrows draw in. She talks with zero emotion, and yet speaks of great emotion. I later told Mark that I thought Japanese culture encouraged eccentricity among those who chose not to be "the nail pounded down" because if you're going to rebel and non-conform, the only way to do that in Japan and survive is to do it with great panache and in an over-the-top way. Like a geisha, she also seems like she is playing a part. She is part of the dichotomy that exists in Japanese culture between reality and illusion. With geisha that line gets blurred, and that line is similarly blurred in the same way in this exhibit.

The Exhibit is entitled "Infinity Mirrors" because each little room gives one the "illusion" of infinity. You walk in and the object (and you!) are manifested seemingly endless times through mirrors...sometimes it is light that seems to stretch into infinity, sometimes it is a pattern, and sometimes it is an object as well as the viewer. By entering the room, you too become part of the illusion. You have thirty seconds in each room. Not only does this help the flow of the exhibit, but it also mirrors (see what I did there) the idea of impermanence. My favorite exhibit was one called Toro Nagashi which is designed to mimic the lanterns that are used during Obon in which lit paper lanterns are sent down a river to commemorate the spirits of the ancestors. It's a beautiful festival that is mimicked in her installation through the use of light, darkness and mirrors. At one point, the lights go out, and then slowly all come back on, almost as if the spirits of the ancestors had been snuffed out only to be reborn, kind of mirroring the Buddhist concept of rebirth. Standing in the room with the lights of Toro Nagashi made one feel the depth of connectedness to each spirit, and yet the sense of the endless journey of birth, death, and rebirth. I wish I could have spent about 10 minutes in that room, or even a minute, but the time limit made one aware just how brief life really is, and how you have to really drink in each moment as it happens. The last room you go through is one where you are handed a sheet of different sized polka dots, and told to place them anywhere you want in a room where all the furniture, walls, etc are painted white. I asked one of the docent what will happen to the room after the Exhibit, and as she started to explain, I said "I bet it will be destroyed, because like the message of her art, this piece of art is also "impermanent". She said: "Exactly". It was a good lesson for the kids to think about; namely, that while each one of us is a unique human being, without some larger purpose of being associated with the infinite (God), our presence here on Earth is one of impermanence where nothing we do can be counted on to last beyond our own lives, beyond our ability to love and help those on our path, who can be forever changed by our interaction with them.

It's ironic I went on a Sunday, and then went to Mass afterward. In my quest to find those common areas within the Venn Diagrams of life (read my post about Yoga if you missed it), I saw lots of overlap in the idea of our connectedness to one another, as well as the fleeting nature of life. While we might not believe exactly the same thing about the nature of life, Catholics and Christians should be able to share with Buddhists the idea that life is all too brief, and that like reincarnation, we as Christians are born into new life when we join our lives to Christ's.

I encourage you to experience the wonder, beauty, and message of this amazing installation while it is here in our fair city. And if you don't live around Cleveland, I hope you find a way to see this installation...heck, Cleveland is a great place to visit so what are you waiting for?

What's The Matter With Kids Today?

I work with kids in my job. I'm often their attorney, their guardian ad litem, or if they're a college student, I've been their teacher. I talk to my friend's kids and I supervise field trips. I time swim meets and supervise ballet dancers. I'm not an expert, but I'm around a lot of kids. When I hear people complain about kids, the first thing I think is that most kids are overall pretty good. Most of the kids I supervise on field trips, or at church, or at swim meets, etc. are decent kids who are pretty much fun to be around. Having said that I do see "trends" when I observe the kids I work with or those with whom I interact. I'm going to break those trends down into five main areas.

1. Entitlement. You hear this word thrown around a lot but when I say it the predominant thing I mean is that kids think they run the show. They seem to be confused when an adult sets the record straight and reminds them they are kids. A few months ago, I spoke at my kids' school and surprised the kids by reminding them or maybe informing them, that as a kid, they don't own property. This was a shazam moment for most of the kids. Of course, my kids have been told repeatedly that the property in our house that they think is their's is actually our's, meaning owned by parents/adults. This means that my kids' property can be taken from them at any moment, without a hearing, a warrant and even without complaint. Likewise, the right to privacy is greatly curtailed when living in my house. Your room, much like Alcatraz, is subject to random and unannounced searches and seizures. If we start with this premise, other things naturally flow from it...such as the fact that you're not getting a smart phone at 13; you're not having a TV or computer or other electronic device in your room; and you're not telling me what you are going to do. You have the right to politely express an opinion which I may consider, but I the parent have the final say about damn near everything: where you go to school; what activities you participate in; when you quit an activity; what I fix for dinner; where we go on vacation and what we do when we get there, etc. etc. While kids are important and a blessing etc., they are not the center of a small universe. They are a part of a family with adult decision-makers. Thus, a sense of entitlement to things, possessions, activities, etc. isn't allowed. Anything above love, food, shelter and clothing is a bonus.

2. Life is Unfair. Yep. Life is unfair people. It is unfair when you are a kid, and it's unfair when you're an adult. Good people get cancer; some even get killed in drunk driver accidents. Bad people often flourish (to wit, politicians, certain athletes who beat their girlfriends, tax cheats, etc). Anytime, my kids trot this expression out, they are reminded that there is no expectation of fairness in life. The nature of humanity means that life will be inherently unfair. The question is not whether it is fair or not, but how you deal with that unfairness and adversity. One of the first times this comes up is when a kid has a teacher he/she doesn't like. You don't have to like your teacher. You are going to have a boss, a teacher, a colleague, a president (hah!), a coach, etc. at some point in life who you don't like and who also may not like you. Your job is to suck it up and deal. As long as the person is not abusive (defined very precisely by me under the law which does not include giving you an earned bad grade, or telling you to suck it up and deal with material you don't like), your job as a student is to figure out how to get through that year or semester. It is not to run to someone and complain and expect change. I am working to build a resilient child who can fight through failure and adversity, not whose life is made comfortable and coddled by me at every step of the way. Being a parent does not mean protecting them from every bad experience but helping them learn how to look at life as glass half full instead of half empty. Perspective is everything in life.

3. Balance. Balance means you need to be able to see both sides of an extreme and aim for the middle. Plato and Aristotle both extolled moderation as a key to obtaining "the good life", a concept later developed and built upon by Cicero. This means you have to be open to hearing both sides of an issue. You have to be in dialogue with people and not take your ball and go home when you disagree with them. Life cannot be lived on either pole. It has to be a balancing act or life will be very hard. This also applies to activities in which you engage. Too much exercise/sports...blow out your knees, damage your body, end up with a concussion; too little exercise and you are a couch potato with unhealthy habits. Our world is so polarized by people who have to have all or nothing type of beliefs that it endangers all of us in the future. Teach your kids that its ok to reach common ground; compromise is not a bad thing, but an essential way for healthy societies, families and couples to function. Try and find those areas of life where there is an overlap...the center of a Venn Diagram, where all the circles intersect. You are doing your kids a disservice if you are narrow minded in either extreme.
Another part of this "balance" idea is that you want to teach them to pursue things that nurture their minds, their bodies, and their spirits...pursuit of anything without consideration of how it impacts the balance of your life is usually a bad thing...the pursuit of money without being balanced again concern for the greater good; the pursuit of a person as an object rather than as a person with thoughts, feelings and their own identity; the pursuit of career goals at the expense of your family...all unhealthy.

4. It's Not About You. There's a song from the musical My Fair Lady that Eliza sings to Professor Higgins whose lyrics talk about the fact that the world goes on and still spins, even without him, meaning Higgins. It's important to remind ourselves and our kids that life is not all about them. They need to see the bigger picture....that life is about what we give, rather than receive; that it's not about what we achieve or do, but that we are all children of God; that it's about love rather than desire; that it's about a sacrifice fly instead of a solo home run. Too much of our world is caught up in what this person wants, at the expense of someone else: I don't want to be married anymore; I don't want to help take care of my parents; I don't want to take a pay cut to stay in my hometown (that's a veiled allusion to you know who...). Duty is a four letter word these days, but there is too little of it. Life is not meant to be easy but it is meant to be beautiful, and sacrifice for others can be a beautiful thing if done out of love, without resentment and given freely. No one said life was easy, right? See No. 2.

5. Know Thyself. Socrates admonished us to know ourselves. I believe he give us this admonition because knowing yourself, your strengths, your weaknesses, your flaws..and knowing that even with all these flaws, you are still loved, is the key to life. It doesn't mean you stay static and not try to improve on those things that can be improved but some of life has to be a gut check on whether or not you can be a concert pianist or professional basketball player. I would argue this applies to our kids as well. Accepting your kids for who they are and not who you want them to be is one of life's greatest challenges, and because we can "fix" things as human beings we feel we should be able to "fix" our kids too. Not everyone is gifted; not everyone is an athlete; not everyone is good in music or can sing; know your own gifts and then be realistic yet hopeful about your kids as well. Not everyone is going to get an A in Algebra. A C is an average grade because....it is average. Average is not a bad word! Even though it has become one! Accept yourself and then your kids for who they are. Some talents are intangible, such as being a truly kind person or maybe your kid has a tremendously generous spirit. Celebrate those things where your kids excel but don't get pissed at your kid, his teacher, etc, when that kid gets a C. Maybe that is the grade they earned...even if they are smart. Sometimes, the smartest kids are also kind of lazy. Guess what? You probably can't fix that! Maybe the biggest part of this is accepting who YOU are, so you can help your kid know who he or she is.

And last, don't try and change the whole world....sometimes you have to change the microcosm you have some smattering of control over. And if you think about the impact one person can have on the lives of others (think about It's a Wonderful Life here), then you really are effecting major change, one person at a time.